Afraid of Love

Bipolar 1, OCD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  These were the labels awarded me when a major breakdown at age 28 literally catapulted me into therapy.  Later came yet another label, Asperger’s Syndrome.  In crisis, I was given a choice: medication or a mental hospital. I chose medication.

At this point my life began.  Having left behind a trail of failed relationships, I started my quest for love, this time by journeying within. For many years, I lived in a world of delusion and psychosis. Somehow I managed to keep working my job in a university library.

All along the motivation to get well arose from a partly delusional, somewhat complex, unrequited love for a woman at work. Heretofore, heterosexual I learned that I was bisexual. A surprise. Much more importantly, I learned that I had severe problems with my own identity.  I was very split by Bipolar Disorder.  So split I  felt like two different people.  Before loving anyone, I had to overcome major problems with closeness due to Asperger’s Syndrome.

I thought I had found someone to love but love was not to come until I struggled through 7 years of hard therapeutic work.  I had to start from scratch. When love came, it came in the form of a man. He became my husband of 25 years, Thomas.

My book, “Eye-locks and Other Fearsome Things“, chronicles the journey just pre-breakdown through psychosis, towards some semblance of sanity.  It closes with my finally finding love. And though it starts off with insanity, it addresses the very human problems of intimacy and fear of closeness.  Meant to give hope to the mentally ill and help enlighten their therapists, my saga may help those of the sane world who have issues with love and intimacy, not just the mentally ill.

Available on Amazon Kindle, Barnes & Noble Nook, iBooks, and Smashwords, for $2.99, my book explains what it feels like to be Bipolar and on the Autism spectrum and explores the phantasmagorical mystery of love.

 One review on Amazon.com by a psychologist: